My First-Ever Appointment Part 2 of 2
March 28, 2008 | Leave a Comment
Read Part 1 in which I make the decision to jump from stripping to giving escort work a try.
Arriving
My afternoon arrival in DC was off to a bad start. My credit card expired on that day and the rental car company wouldn’t take a cash deposit. Being from Texas and not used to traveling, I was wary of the cost of taxis, but had no choice. I ran into the same problems when checking into the hotel, but they accepted cash.
I was unable to get a hold of my friend and had no idea if she was in DC as promised. I wasn’t getting any calls from my Eros ad (I only had a phone number posted, no e-mail was set up) and could not visually confirm if my ad was up since I didn’t have a laptop. I was in panic mode.
My friend came through. She was down the hall and around the corner from my room. She was simply very busy. She took a break and welcomed me while she ate dinner. We had no way of checking Eros but she went over screening and phone etiquette with me again. It helped calm me down.
My phone rang and it was a DC area code! I was so excited and nervous. I briefly talked to this man and he said he’d call later. I didn’t care; I’d made it through my first call and knew my ad was up. Now, of course, I worried it would be the only call I’d get all night. I had used up what I’d made at the club this week on the trip and was going to miss the weekend shifts. It was the end of the month too. This trip had put me into a serious financial bind. (Better planning might have alleviated the problem.)
Then I had another call. This guy sounded nice and he gave me his screening info. I took notes and then screened him via the phone as my friend listened in and gave some final pointers. He seemed good, so I called him back and we set up an appointment for that evening! It was an hour-long appointment (my minimum), which was mentally more than I could handle right then.
I was so nervous. She had more appointments, so I went back to my room and got things ready. I didn’t watch TV. I mostly paced. What was I going to do? What was going to happen? God lord, what if he took one look and walked back out the door? What are escorts supposed to look like? What are they supposed to do? My thoughts raced around and around.
The Appointment
He knocked on the door right on time. I was wearing some lingerie beneath a sheer robe that I wore in the club sometimes. Despite repeated dry-cleanings, it reeked of cigarettes. (That really didn’t create a great ambience.) It wasn’t until later that I realized being fully-dressed is much better.
He was a very tall, well-built man, possibly from the Middle-East (I know I asked, but I don’t recall his answer. I do remember his face.). He was so polite and very charming. He showed me two IDs when I asked. When I asked for my “gift” he laid the appropriate amount on the nightstand (a classic move). He sat in a chair and I sat on the bed. We chatted.
Asking for two forms of ID is fairly standard practice. I had read and re-read Working by Dolores French. She screened very thoroughly and her methods of screening are still useful today, only it’s much easier to do online. You can find a link to Working on my Sex Work Books list.
This was so much easier than the club! He was sober, the music on the radio was quiet so I didn’t have to shout and he wasn’t distracted by other women walking around. He seemed really happy to meet me and I enjoyed talking to him.
At what seemed like the right time, I rose from the bed as seductively as possible and untied my robe. I smiled and asked if he’d like to “get comfortable.” He got up from the chair and hugged me. I kissed him on the lips (he was really tall, so I was straining). He smelled nice, much better than my smoky robe.
He started to undress. I was already in my underwear but I kicked off my heels. We hugged again and lay down together on the bed, wrapped in each other’s arms and lightly kissing.
This wasn’t bad at all. It felt natural and very pleasant. I was still nervous about all sorts of things but he was very nice and that was reassuring. He was treating me far better than anyone I’d met in a club (not that I went this far with customers in the club). There was a definite sense that he was following my lead, which also helped reassure me.
This might have been moving a little fast for me — even in college — but it wasn’t anything I wasn’t willing to do. There was a sense of play I might have enjoyed if I weren’t so wound up. We were two people enjoying each other. Nothing unnatural about that.
We’d been slowly removing our underwear. Now he was completely naked, so I took one of my condoms and moved down on him. I could see him clearly in the light and his skin looked clean and unbroken. I sat on his thighs and fumbled with the condom wrapper. It was obvious I was not used to handling condom packages. That lack of experience made him smile. (I had just ended a long-term relationship, so not only was I not used to condoms, I wasn’t having much sex either.)
I finally got the condom on him for the blowjob (yes, I practice safer sex). It was unlubed and tasted horrible, like a balloon. It made me want to gag. I stopped with the blowjob and put a little lube on my palm to rub on the condom. I got on top (my least favorite position) and we began having sex.
It was actually exciting. I was so nervous I thought I wouldn’t enjoy anything, but my natural responses kicked in and we had fun. I think he had more fun than I did, but my declining relationship had been a lot worse. We rolled around until he had an orgasm. I cleaned him with a warm, wet towel and put the condom in the trash. I snuggled against him for some pillow talk.
He made all sorts of wonderful promises: calling every day I was in town, taking me on a trip to Miami, yachting…it all sounded grand. I was excited to think I’d charmed my first client that much. (It turns out some men simply get caught up in the moment.) He dressed. I kissed him before I opened the door.
Afterglow
He had a better clock in his head than I did. It was exactly an hour. It didn’t feel like it. At the beginning, I thought an hour was way too much time. Now that he was gone, an hour wasn’t long enough to really have fun!
I was grinning. I showered quickly and went over to see my friend. She was done for the night. I couldn’t stop raving about my first appointment. I was thrilled. It paid for my hotel stay with plenty left over. All in one stroke! There were lots of nights I didn’t make this much in a 7-hour shift at the club (one of the signs I had stripper burnout). I couldn’t believe how easy and natural it was for me, given that it paid so well. What was wrong with the world? This was the best-kept secret ever!
She and I laughed, ate snacks and watched a little TV. She was amused by my excitement. I couldn’t wait for the next day.
The Rest of the Trip
My phone rang off the hook. I couldn’t keep up with the volume. It seems the universe understood that I wanted more business and it complied. I had an even mix of one and two –hour appointments over the next two days. I scheduled as many appointments as I could rationally fit into the day. I was there to make money. I wasn’t concerned about building a business in DC, I wanted experience and to start feeling confident. I wanted notches on my belt (like college, but better).
There were a couple of missteps but nothing terribly serious (yes, I got ripped off – that’s another story with several other lessons). She went home the day before I did (she’d been there all week). I flew home by myself, glowing the whole way. The money I made not only paid for the trip and all associated expenses, it paid for the upcoming month’s bills too. One weekend of work and I didn’t have to do anything else right away if I didn’t want to.
I knew I was on the right path for me. This was the answer I’d been looking for. I couldn’t wait to put my ad up in Dallas and start my business for real.
The Transition
The transition had already happened. The formality was easy: the night after I got home, I cleaned out my locker at the club. Why waste my time dealing with drunk assholes? I could have fun with a variety of interesting men who were willing to pay me well for my time and attention. Instead of constant, crushing rejection, I got treated like a princess. There was no choice to be made, no agonizing decision.
The only difficult part of the transition was telling my mother. Since I showed my face in my ad and I was going to be working in Dallas, I knew I needed to tell her before someone else did. This is a whole other lesson in and of itself, though. Suffice to say, I told her before my Dallas ad went up, right after that weekend. It was hard. But I’m still her daughter.
Lessons Learned
I should’ve planned better and made sure I had enough to cover expenses — for the trial-run and regular living expenses. Putting myself in a desperate situation could’ve been real trouble if I hadn’t been successful or couldn’t handle the work.
Don’t do things last minute. Planning ahead for something new helps keep problems to a minimum. Expect surprises, though.
Screen.
Wear actual clothing. Keep the room on the cool side.
These first few times were for learning. It took time for me to figure out what did and did not work for me. Experience gave me my “style,” though I was learning up to the day I retired.
I put my hotel information on my cell phone voicemail because I was afraid of missing calls. Stupid move. There could’ve been worse consequences than simply having to take the phone off the hook due to constant ringing.
It’s good to have a friend. Especially if she’s nearby. We toured together a couple more times until she moved out of the area.
Screen.
She and I are two different people. We each run our business in the way that suits us best.
Don’t believe promises men make, but enjoy them anyway. Wild promises are a compliment.
If I wasn’t sure about escort work, I could’ve asked for no reviews and not shown my face in my photos. I don’t regret that I didn’t do that, but I might if I had decided escort work was not for me.
Screen.
Escort work is not difficult for an intelligent girl who is a good conversationalist. One-hour minimums are a good place to start, the time will fly by. Soon, a single hour will feel constraining.
Being comfortable with entertaining men (from stripping), made transitioning to escort work very easy – but then, escort work was right for me and stripping wasn’t.
Transitioning From Stripper to Escort Part 1 of 2
March 27, 2008 | Leave a Comment
This is a two-part series inspired by a couple conversations with strippers who want to try escort work.
What led me, a stripper, to try escort work?
I’ve been interested in all forms of sex work since a very young age. Lacking enough confidence and information to try working as an independent escort, I turned to stripping my last year in college. Stripping is a major confidence boost for some girls; it wasn’t for me. After becoming completely burned out, I had two options: start at the bottom in my chosen field or try escort work – something I was still curious about.
Since I had a friend who was an escort and she agreed to give me advice, I went for it. I knew that if I didn’t try it now, I would never have the courage to try it later in life. And besides, if it didn’t work out, only a handful of people would ever know. It would be a lesson learned.
So I began researching as much as I could in late 2001. There weren’t really any recent escort books at that time, but I spent a lot of time reading ASPD forums and was horrified. My mentor laughed and told me it was nothing like what was on the boards.
She was right. It wasn’t.
A Trial Weekend
When I finally decided to give it a go, she helped me plan for a weekend trip. We both understood it was a trial-run. She told me to try it in a city far from where I lived. I picked Washington, DC – where she was planning to tour and was far from Dallas.
Because of her trip, I knew the dates. I had about a week to plan everything. I forced my cell phone provider to remove my name from the phone so when I called anyone only my number would show up. I had my ex-boyfriend take quick snapshots in her beautiful bedroom (these ended up being some of my most popular pictures). I paid Eros for my ad and submitted my model release. I booked a plane, rental car and hotel where she was staying.
I was going to be in DC for 3 days. Long enough to decide if this was the right path for me.
I did not tell anyone not involved in the process. Why create unnecessary worry? I didn’t know how this would work out. After all, I’d spent the past four years dealing with drunk people in really noisy, dark places. Would this be worse? Better? Excruciating? Weird? How would I take care of myself? Was there any way for this to be safe or fun?
I was going to find out…
Part 2 details my first appointment.
Is escort work a “real” job?
February 27, 2008 | Leave a Comment
“…you’re a dreamer and can’t handle a real job.” (From an e-mail I once received.)
I never sent a reply and I blocked his e-mail address, but that strange condemnation has always stuck in my head. (I’ve never seen anything wrong with being a dreamer. After all, we’re the idea people in this world.)
He was one of many, many men who look at escorts, desire us, and can’t afford us. They get jealous; imagining the easy life we lead of having horny men just like them falling all over their feet just to hand us lots of cash. They don’t see this as a “real” job. Whatever a “real job” is supposed to be.
I wonder if that guy thought he had a real job.* Ever read Dilbert? Do you think he had a real job? Something definable, tangible; that he did something to produce results? What about trash collectors or migrant farm workers? I think they have very real jobs. I’m sure a lot of times they wish their jobs weren’t so damn real.
How real is it if you sit behind a desk all day, typing away, answering pointless e-mails, never quite sure of what you’re supposed to do and what exactly it is that your coworkers do? How real is it if you never see any result from the piles of paper you produce, other than a paycheck?
For instance, a lot of people think strippers are strippers because they can’t get work anywhere else. Stripping isn’t rocket science and neither is escort work, but you must know what you’re doing or you will fail in a really obvious way. There is no way to fake either of these “non-real” jobs. The whole adult industry is like that. It’s a very definite pass/fail world, no faking your way through it. Results are seen in dollars and it’s very easy to track the effects of your work.
So how real is a job where I am well paid, I set my own hours and parameters, I meet with clients, get instant feedback and when my clients leave my meetings, they are happy enough that the majority come back? Is this a “real” job? Am I accomplishing more than the average corporate slave? What if to produce a regular number of client meetings per week I work 40+ hours some weeks and 5 hours other weeks? Does time spent working indicate the “realness” of a job?
A former client of mine once mentioned that people don’t think he does a real job either. He’s self-employed builder/contractor. He’s in demand, produces solid work and makes a good living. Yet because he’s self-employed many of his critics think he’s not working a “real” job. Apparently anyone in America who doesn’t have corporate backing isn’t in a “real” job.
One might argue that “real” jobs are real only by how they affect the worker. I’ve read many job books which list the symptoms to look for when a job is going bad: depression, stress, anxiety, insomnia, weight gain or weight loss, anger, ulcers, hair loss, hatred, suicidal thoughts, and feeling trapped. These are pretty serious consequences of employment. (If employment were sold in stores, it would have a warning label on it.) And these books were merely discussing office work (i.e., “real” work), not adult work.
How did I feel working as an escort? Happy, satisfied, in control of my life, wealthy, healthy, at peace with myself, free, successful and I slept like a baby every night. How would I feel stuck in the office grind for a year? Probably much like the above list of negative effects. I had bad days every now and then, just like anyone, but I never had a long string of them.
The converse assumption of the “not a real job” argument is that escort work is a “fake” job. Let’s examine that for a moment. What might be the characteristics of a fake job?
- Not showing up for work? As an escort, if you miss an appointment, you don’t get paid. (If you require a deposit you must return it.)
- Accepting cash payments? So apparently, waitresses, hairdressers, defense attorneys and all sorts of service-people are in fake jobs. And every retailer in this country is apparently a “fake” store.
- Enjoying your work? Does this mean a “real” job must be one that makes you miserable?
- Not paying taxes? Just because someone doesn’t have taxes automatically removed from their paychecks doesn’t mean their job isn’t real. Plenty of non-escorts avoid taxes and plenty of escorts religiously pay taxes.
- Not having a boss? That’s a major perk of being an independent escort!
- Working on your own schedule? Ditto.
No matter what, escort work affects the escort — positively or negatively. Does that make the job more or less real? I think that makes it very real. The effects are immediate and personal. It doesn’t get more real than that. The meat of the job is my client and me. Nothing else.
For more reading on what the “real” job-world is like, try Franz Kafka. Escort work is very grounded by comparison.
*I don’t know what he did for a living. He didn’t bother to put that information in his e-mail and I wasn’t so concerned that I asked.
Lili Von Shtupp
February 22, 2008 | Leave a Comment
This has nothing to with anything here, and yet…
Madeline Kahn has the funniest sex worker role I’ve ever seen in a movie. Her deliberately awful performance as Lili Von Shtupp in Blazing Saddles is great for a laugh without making fun of sex workers. It’s even richer if you’re feeling a little burned out.
You can see her memorably terrible singing on YouTube. Even better — sit down, make some popcorn and enjoy the whole movie. She’s in most of it.
Researching Escorts’ Boundaries
June 17, 2007 | Leave a Comment
I received a research request from a student in Illinois. She seems very nice and is researching a topic that I think is valuable, but one that doesn’t seem to be have been deeply studied academically. For details about the researcher and the study, continue reading.
Her name is Geri (Geraldine) Hendrix and you can find a quick profile of her here.
I’m passing along information about her and her research to anyone who might be interested. She does not know where I’m posting her request. Please contact her directly with any questions:
gera133@siu.edu
Yes, I’m going to interview with her, even though I’m retired (she’s making an exception!).
In her own words:
I am a sociology graduate student at Southern Illinois University Carbondale and am looking for volunteers to participate in a study regarding the lives and work experiences of escorts. To be an eligible participant you must currently work as an escort and be 18 years or older. I would like to include your insights in my research on escorts and only need about hour of your time.
My research is an exploration of escorts and boundary work. My research question is “what types of boundaries do escorts draw to differentiate themselves from others?” More specifically, I want to explore four dimensions of boundary work: (1) boundaries between escorts and clients, (2) boundaries between escorts and other escorts, (3) boundaries between escorts and non-escorts, and (4) legal and gender boundaries negotiated by escorts.
From her consent form:
The purpose of this study is to examine how escorts view their own lives and construct their identity. Particular attention will be paid to the process by which escorts differentiate themselves from others. The information gathered from my participation in this study may be presented in lectures, papers, and professional activities including publications. I understand that I will be allowed to see transcripts of my interview(s) before any publication and I may request a copy of any publication that might result.
I am 18 years or older and my participation in this study is completely voluntary. I agree to participate in this activity and know that my responses will be either recorded on audio tape or transcribed directly from internet exchanges (e.g. email and instant messaging services). I understand that the researcher will take all reasonable steps to protect my identity; however, I am aware that, as with any exchange of information via the internet, the researcher cannot guarantee total anonymity. I agree that Geraldine M. Hendrix-Sloan may quote me directly and that if she does so she will withhold all personally identifying information.
I understand that the initial interview process will last approximately 1-2 hours and I may be asked to participate in a follow-up interview. I further understand that I may withdraw from this study at any time and that I may refuse to answer any question at any time without penalty. Geraldine M. Hendrix-Sloan will conduct the interview and will subsequently transcribe all interviews. The original tape(s) and/or transcription will be stored in a locked file cabinet accessible only to the researcher, Geraldine M. Hendrix-Sloan, for a period of no more than three years after the completion of the study.
I understand that any and all reports, written or oral, based upon this research will be confidential and my name will not be listed or mentioned in any context. All questions regarding this project and my participation in it have been adequately answered. I have received a copy of this consent agreement with all necessary research and contact information.
This project has been reviewed and approved by the SIUC Human Subjects Committee. The Committee believes that the project procedures adequately safeguard the subject’s privacy, welfare, civil liberties, and rights. Questions concerning your rights as a participant in this project may be addressed to the Committee Chairperson, Office of Research Development and Administration, Southern Illinois University, Carbondale, IL 62901-4709. Phone (618) 453-4533. E-mail siuhsc@siu.edu
A Client’s Perspective: “The Unbearable Imbalance of To and Fro’…”
May 31, 2007 | Leave a Comment
In case you have ever wondered, as I have, what goes through your client’s head just before and just after your appointment, here’s a lyrical answer.
This gentleman was never a client of mine but contacted me because of my book. He sent me this post simply to share some of his feelings. With his permission, I’ve posted the link for a wider audience to enjoy.
I never gave much thought to the moments before an appointment, usually because I was mentally juggling a number of preparatory tasks myself. If I was seeing a returning client, I usually was reviewing my mental file on him and anticipating the moment. New clients always had more of an impromptu-theatre feeling.
But my thoughts after a client left were often like the ones he described. Never did a client leave without making some lingering impression. And I’m guessing I did the same for him. This is a business about human connection and interaction. We leave traces of memory with each other whether we want to or not.
